Dead Cosmonaut Weighs in on NASA Drinking Scandal

Is not wrong have brewski or bottle of vodka before climb rocket for space. “Bottle of vodka is too much comrade, how you steer rocket in orbit?” you say. No, not too much. After drink to country, drink to mission, drink to children, drink to wife, drink to ex-wife, drink to other ex-wife, and drink to mistress, entire bottle is gone. Drink before flight is good luck. How you have good mission otherwise?

Yes, I have few drink before accidentally steer rocket into East German communications satellite. Ah, but is from bottle of vodka I drink in orbit, not before launch. Hangover before launch is good think. Means pay attention to Premier Khrushchev instructions. Otherwise, he throw shoe at you. I see this happen to many comrade of mine.

Fly space mission is noble profession. One with many, many advantage. Honor for country. Fame. Macho brag rights. Cosmonaut is one of most dangerous professions in entire world today. If not afraid of blowing up in rusty Soviet rocket, then what else I not afraid of, Comrade? Maybe this why no one ever fight me in Vladivostok bar when I break off beer bottle on table after young revolutionary talks bad things about Mother Russia. U.S. Cosmonaut, like, me are “space bad-ass.” Perhaps American flight surgeons simply jealous that they are not “space bad-ass” too, no?