Alexander Graham Bell on “Unlocking the iPhone.”

Bloody hell, bloody hell, bloody hell. Has this New Jersey boy any respect? Apple computer worked their arses off patenting the iPhone so AT&T could have yet another monopoly. If you ask me, a patent that doesn’t perpetuate a monopoly is no patent at all.

Who does this lad think he is taking a soldering iron to something that cost his entire summer’s worth of busboy wages?

Leave the inventing to the inventors, especially those working for faceless corporations with greedy stockholders.

Of course, you can’t forget the aesthetic aspect. Growing up in the gloomy, overcast, emerald paradise of Scotland, I know a thing or two about beauty. I, for one, cannot fathom removing the gleaming metal backing of an iPhone to expose the hideous mess of circuit board and wires. Which leads me to my next point.

As a Scotsman and an AT&T man I say this: Shame on you.

Because you, New Jersey lad, have single-handedly caused both the Apple and AT&T clans serious anguish—by sticking your soldering iron up their corporate kilts.

See You in Hell: The top 10 most surprising people in Hell.

10. Susan B. Anthony.
Turns out she had a few too many “youthful transgressions” with schoolboys in the barn.

9. J. R. R. Tolkien.
Inventing the modern fantasy novel had its downside: legions of “dreamers.” Not the easiest people to call to action in the tough fight for world peace.

8. Charles Lindberg
Crossed the Atlantic and founded TWA. Have you ever met an airline pilot who hasn’t cheated on his wife?

7. Harry Truman.
Shouldn’t have dropped the bomb, Harry. Ushering in the nuclear age cost him big time.

6. Sacagawea.
By befriending Lewis and Clark she single-handedly set the stage for later massacres of thousands of Native Americans.

5. President George Washington
Killed more than his fair share of Native Americans.

4. President Andrew Jackson
Killed way, way, way more than his fair share of Native Americans.

3. Andrew Carnegie
No, funding thousands of libraries doesn't mean you're not a Robber Baron.

2.Jim Beam
He and Jack Daniels toast each other every night by the lake of fire."And a good time was had by all." That is if you mean drunk driving, accidental pregancies, regrettable hookups, vomiting, and regrettable hookups while drunk driving. Although God does like a good glass of Scotch now and again.

1. Ray Kroc.
Yes, the founder of McDonald’s. But think about this—fast food and heart attacks have killed way more people than Hitler.

Hank Aaron’s Ex-Teammate on Barry Bonds (by Willie McGee)

Man, how he do it, that Barry Bonds?

When I played with Hank Aaron in the Negro Leagues, I tell you how we did it. Bacon, eggs and steak. For breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s how we did it back in the day on the Indianapolis Clowns. Oh, what? You laughin’ at our name? Yeah, we were The Clowns. I didn’t pick that fool-ass name. I just played left field, son.

You eat bacon, eggs and steak three meals a day, it put some meat on your bones. Except it didn’t put no meat on Hank’s bones. He was one skinny-ass piece of work, wrists all floppin’ around when he hit the ball. But he coordinated, though. That’s what count. He coordinated.

Now I gotta tell ya, I seen some crazy, crazy stuff in baseball, but nothin’ as crazy as this Barry Bonds fool. I think he on the same sauce those tight-ass, your-package-all-showin’-light-in-the-loafers-RuPaul-tours-France bicycle riders is on. How you swing the bat if your arms is so big you can’t move ‘em? He the one lookin’ like a clown, sayin’ “No, I didn’t take no steroids.”

You seen his rookie card? Fool look normal. Now he got tree trunk arms. He say it all ‘cause of weight trainin’. What, you ain’t never seen a pair a dumbbells until you got to the major leagues?

Time for my confession. Snitchin’ Jose Canseco, you gonna love this. Yeah, we tried some stuff in our day. We didn’t have no doctors or none of this fancy mess. Trial and error, that’s what we had. It don’t work? It make you sick? Walk it off, son.

Willy McGee’s Battin’ .300 Homerun-Hittin’ Potion.

Mix in a blender:
1 can of beer.
1 egg.
½ oz baking soda
4 cups ammonia
9 strawberries
1 lamb chop
6 oz black shoe polish
1 cup goat’s milk
a pinch of alfalfa sprouts
90 cups cough syrup
3 tabs Alka-Seltzer
5 ice cubes
2 oz industrial bleach.
Oregano to taste

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