Monday, August 6, 2007

Hank Aaron’s Ex-Teammate on Barry Bonds (by Willie McGee)

Man, how he do it, that Barry Bonds?

When I played with Hank Aaron in the Negro Leagues, I tell you how we did it. Bacon, eggs and steak. For breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s how we did it back in the day on the Indianapolis Clowns. Oh, what? You laughin’ at our name? Yeah, we were The Clowns. I didn’t pick that fool-ass name. I just played left field, son.

You eat bacon, eggs and steak three meals a day, it put some meat on your bones. Except it didn’t put no meat on Hank’s bones. He was one skinny-ass piece of work, wrists all floppin’ around when he hit the ball. But he coordinated, though. That’s what count. He coordinated.

Now I gotta tell ya, I seen some crazy, crazy stuff in baseball, but nothin’ as crazy as this Barry Bonds fool. I think he on the same sauce those tight-ass, your-package-all-showin’-light-in-the-loafers-RuPaul-tours-France bicycle riders is on. How you swing the bat if your arms is so big you can’t move ‘em? He the one lookin’ like a clown, sayin’ “No, I didn’t take no steroids.”

You seen his rookie card? Fool look normal. Now he got tree trunk arms. He say it all ‘cause of weight trainin’. What, you ain’t never seen a pair a dumbbells until you got to the major leagues?

Time for my confession. Snitchin’ Jose Canseco, you gonna love this. Yeah, we tried some stuff in our day. We didn’t have no doctors or none of this fancy mess. Trial and error, that’s what we had. It don’t work? It make you sick? Walk it off, son.

Willy McGee’s Battin’ .300 Homerun-Hittin’ Potion.

Mix in a blender:
1 can of beer.
1 egg.
½ oz baking soda
4 cups ammonia
9 strawberries
1 lamb chop
6 oz black shoe polish
1 cup goat’s milk
a pinch of alfalfa sprouts
90 cups cough syrup
3 tabs Alka-Seltzer
5 ice cubes
2 oz industrial bleach.
Oregano to taste

1 comment:

chrissy said...

Hey, this is Jimmy. I just wanted you to know that thanks to your potion, I don't have to worry about the appearance of my body anymore. I don't have to worry, because I don't have one. I was supposed to go to Barry Bonds next game, but no. Now my Aunt Roberta is going and she's a Yankee's fan! I just want you to know Willie, Jimmy gonna get you. Did you hear me, Jimmy gonna get ya!

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